For Fun

Amazon, time traveling?

Does Amazon have unrealistic expectations, or have they mastered time travel? As of July 29, they still hadn't delivered a package with a guaranteed delivery date of July 24. In fact, they no longer had any expectations, since they couldn't find it, but they were sure it was "on its way".

This is from an email they sent me on July 27 confirming that my package would arrive on July 24. A week later, they still hadn't found it, so they issued a refund. I bought it elsewhere.

—

Google Pizza

This conversation could occur next time you order pizza.

Google Pizza: Hello John, what can I do for you?
You: "Is this Pizza Hut?"
Google Pizza: "No sir, it's Google Pizza."
You: "Oh, I must have dialed the wrong number, sorry."
Google Pizza: "No, sir. Google bought Pizza Hut last month."

You: "Okay. I would like to order a pizza."
Google Pizza:"Do you want your usual, sir?"
You: "My usual? You know me?"
Google Pizza:"According to our You ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust."
You: "Super. That's what I'll have."

Google Pizza: "May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?"
You: "What? I don't want a vegetarian pizza."
Google Pizza: "Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
You: "How the hell do you know that?"
Google Pizza:"Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years."
You: "Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza. I already take medication for my cholesterol."

Google Pizza: "Well, excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, four months ago."
You: "I bought more from another pharmacy."
Google Pizza: "That doesn't show on your credit card statement."
You: "I paid in cash."
Google Pizza: "But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement."
You: "I have other sources of cash."

Google Pizza: "That doesn't show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which of course is against the law."
You: "What the heck?"
Google Pizza: "I'm sorry, sir. We use such information only with the sole intention of helping you."
You: "Enough already. I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the Internet, TV, where there's no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me."
Google Pizza: "I understand, sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago. Meanwhile, may I suggest an excellent travel agent?"

Date: September 2024

This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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Home Forms About Current Newsletter subscribe Search All Articles Browse by Category Security Internet Mobile Business Hardware Fun		For Fun Amazon, time traveling? Does Amazon have unrealistic expectations, or have they mastered time travel? As of July 29, they still hadn't delivered a package with a guaranteed delivery date of July 24. In fact, they no longer had any expectations, since they couldn't find it, but they were sure it was "on its way". This is from an email they sent me on July 27 confirming that my package would arrive on July 24. A week later, they still hadn't found it, so they issued a refund. I bought it elsewhere. — Google Pizza This conversation could occur next time you order pizza. Google Pizza: Hello John, what can I do for you? You: "Is this Pizza Hut?" Google Pizza: "No sir, it's Google Pizza." You: "Oh, I must have dialed the wrong number, sorry." Google Pizza: "No, sir. Google bought Pizza Hut last month." You: "Okay. I would like to order a pizza." Google Pizza:"Do you want your usual, sir?" You: "My usual? You know me?" Google Pizza:"According to our You ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust." You: "Super. That's what I'll have." Google Pizza: "May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?" You: "What? I don't want a vegetarian pizza." Google Pizza: "Your cholesterol is not good, sir." You: "How the hell do you know that?" Google Pizza:"Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years." You: "Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza. I already take medication for my cholesterol." Google Pizza: "Well, excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, four months ago." You: "I bought more from another pharmacy." Google Pizza: "That doesn't show on your credit card statement." You: "I paid in cash." Google Pizza: "But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement." You: "I have other sources of cash." Google Pizza: "That doesn't show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which of course is against the law." You: "What the heck?" Google Pizza: "I'm sorry, sir. We use such information only with the sole intention of helping you." You: "Enough already. I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the Internet, TV, where there's no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me." Google Pizza: "I understand, sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago. Meanwhile, may I suggest an excellent travel agent?" Date: September 2024 This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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